The Great Toe
About a year ago, I dropped a bar of soap on my big toe. Like, a new, full size bar of soap. It hurt like a bitch, but It didn’t swell, or bruise and it only hurt for a few days. No big deal.
But, over time, it has gotten steadily and progressively worse.
In the winter, when I’d try to slip a boot on, my toe would hurt. Like, really hurt. Once, I got it on I was fine. Then, it would hurt walking over the squishy and uneven snow b/c the soles of my boots were really flexible. At this point, my toe would also “get stuck” and I couldn’t bend it until it got into “the right position” and it “clicked” into place.
By the Spring, my toe would hurt during my morning walks with the dogs. It didn’t hurt enough to stop me from walking, but it was quite annoying and I’d “pay for it” later in the day.
Lately, my toe hurts all the time, and especially walking. Forget about bending or flexing, it will barely move. So, on Tuesday, I finally went to see an orthopedic doc that specializes in feet.
They examined my toe and did X-rays. The doc said, I have arthritis in the “great toe” on my right foot. Um, what?
My what toe?
My “great toe”.
I’m 49 years old and I have never in my life heard “the big toe” referred to as “the great toe”. After I got over this strange new vernacular, it dawned on me how much this really sucks.
As I was leaving the office and then the building, I started to think about how many of my body parts currently hurt: my left shoulder, my right hip, my knees (which also have arthritis) and now my great toe. WTF.
By the time I got to my car, I burst into tears. You would’ve thought I was just given a terminal disease diagnosis.
I cried the entire 45 min drive home. Then I cried when I told my husband. Then I cried for the rest of the afternoon and into the wee hours of the morning. And, finally, I cried myself to sleep.
I like to workout. I like to be, and feel, strong. I like to look fit. I like how exercise clears my mind and reduces my stress and anxiety.
Over the past 5 years my ability to workout has been severely impacted and has diminished to the point where all I can really do is ride my stationary bike and do some strengthening exercises.
I’ve spent 10’s of thousands of dollars on diagnosis, treatments, tests, surgeries, Physical Therapy, Chiropractic care, Acupuncture and other alternative therapies and supplements to try to get my body fully healthy and pain-free.
Thus far, many body parts still hurt and I’m not able to do what I want to do.
I felt completely frustrated and defeated.
I cried most of Wednesday too.
In my head, I gave up. I thought: “What’s the point? I’m not even 50 and my body is falling apart. What’s going to happen in 10 or 20 years?! How am I going to walk, get out of bed, etc. I already have so much trouble with ‘normal’ activities. The rest of my life my body is just going to get worse, so what’s the point?”
I was spiraling down a deep, dark hole. A hole I’ve been in 2x in my life. A hole I don’t ever want to be in again.
Here’s how I pulled myself out:
I watched Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee. Why? B/c it’s funny and insightful. It was good for raising my vibration and helping me to focus on the positive.
I allowed myself to cry. It’s not good to hold those emotions in. Some may say that it’s nothing to cry over, but they’re my feelings and they’re valid. So, I let my tears roll.
I vented to my husband.
I talked to my Chiropractor, Acupuncturist and left a msg for my PT. I need their advice and expertise on how to proceed.
I reminded myself that I have no idea what the future holds, so I need to just live in each moment and take it day by day.
I reminded myself that I may not be able to do what I want to do, yet, but there are still things I CAN do, so there is a point.
I decided that my pity party was long enough and it was time to snap out of it.
I’m sharing this story with you b/c: 1. “The great toe” is hilarious and 2. Maybe you or someone you know needs some help climbing out of that hole.