Medical Gaslighting

Only recently did I hear the term “Medical Gaslighting”, but man have I experienced it over and over and over again for soooooo many years and with soooooo many doctors.

“Medical Gaslighting” is when concerns about your health are dismissed, they're not heard and/or they’re minimized.

There are 3 separate interactions that standout in my mind:

ONE:

About 10 years ago, when I was 38, I decided to stop eating meat. It never resonated with me and I was down to only eating chicken and turkey. I would eat it as fast as I could, so as not to think about what I was eating.

Then I saw a friend of mine from HS on social media and he was all ripped up. He was lean and muscular and touting his plant-based lifestyle. He not only looked amazing, but he talked about how much better he felt, and even smelled.

I was not only intrigued, but I was relieved to learn that I didn’t need meat. I reached out to him and I promptly cut meat out of my diet entirely. I was already off dairy b/c I’m highly intolerant, so my Vegan lifestyle began.

Within 3 months, I was a disaster. I had no energy, I was anxious and I was very emotional—crying over everything and anything.

I went to the doctor b/c I didn’t know what was wrong with me. It’s important to note that 4 years prior, after the birth of my 2nd child, I had gone through a horrible Postpartum Depression and that info is in my medical file.

So, the doctor walks in the room and says, “You wanna know what’s wrong with you?”

I confusedly said, “huh?”

He said, “You’re depressed.”

I said, “No, that’s not it. I’ve suffered from depression before and this is different. It feels different.”

I told him my symptoms as my 3 yr old climbed all over the room. I told him how my husband was away on business and, as I did so, I started to sob.

He said, “See, you’re depressed.”

He wanted to put me back on antidepressants.

I refused.

I told him I felt that there was something physical going on. I insisted on blood work. He reluctantly agreed and told me that when it came back clean, he expected me to take the meds.

I went home freaked out.

I never wanted to be back in that deep dark hole of depression that I was in years before. I jumped on my bike in the basement b/c I know that exercise releases endorphins and I was desperate to improve my mood.

A few days later, the doc called to tell me that I was severely Vitamin D deficient, Vitamin B12 deficient and my thyroid was Hypoactive.

Um, hello, no wonder I was an emotional and fatigued puddle on the floor.

HE DIDN’T EVEN APOLOGIZE FOR JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS.

He prescribed a mega dose of Vitamin D and started me on B12 injections and Levothyroxine. I felt markedly better after the first megadose of Vitamin D.

Needless to say, I immediately changed doctors.

TWO:

Then, 2 years ago, at 47 I suffered from yet another major anxiety and depression type breakdown.

Looking back, I can see how it crept up and progressed. But, at the time, it felt like the world came crashing down on me and I was again in a deep dark hole.

This was by far the scariest one.

I literally felt like I needed to be committed to an asylum. If my husband said he was taking me, I wouldn’t have fought him. I would’ve gone willingly. I felt crazy. I was so fatigued I could barely stand. I was crying uncontrollably for no reason. I was having terrifying intrusive thoughts.

All I could say, out loud, was “What is wrong with me? What is happening to me?”

It was very reminiscent of when I was a Postpartum mess—but, soooooo much worse.

Since it felt hormonal, I made an appointment to see my gynecologist. I hadn’t been like that for 13 years, so why was this happening to me? It had to be my hormones, I thought to myself.

The drive there was terrifying. I was on the highway and it felt like a scene from a horror movie where the hall way just keeps getting longer and longer and longer. I was basically having a panic attack.

I made it to the office from sheer will and determination. I dug down deep to get there b/c I so desperately needed help.

Sadly, my doctor was anything but helpful. She was totally dismissive.

She told me that I had a history of anxiety and that I needed meds.

I reminded her that despite needing meds when I was postpartum THIRTEEN (13) YEARS prior, that I had always been able to manage my bouts of anxiety with diet, exercise and meditation with the occasional need for anti-anxiety meds with very specific situations—like flying.

I told her that I wanted to know WHY I was now experiencing postpartum type symptoms. The whole reason I didn’t have anymore children is b/c I never wanted to feel that way again.

She didn’t care about the cause.

When I mentioned menopause and my hormones, she asked me ONE question: Was I having hot flashes?

When I said, “no”. She told me, it’s not menopause, again told me I need meds and sent me on my way.

I sobbed all the way home.

Needless to say, I never say her again.

THREE:

Last summer, I went to see my shoulder surgeon’s PA, Irene. I would’ve seen my surgeon (b/c HE’S amazing), but he was booking months out and I was in a lot of pain.

I figured, she’s good enough to get things rolling. She’s been his PA forever, and she’s really quite knowledgeable.

My left shoulder had been hurting since I had my right shoulder operated on more than 4 years prior.

I previously had an MRI done and cortisone injections. I had also been going to PT the whole time trying to resolve my pain. (In addition I tried: Acupuncture, SoftWave Laser and Dry Needling.)

All the things I was doing to get my shoulder healthy only took me so far. I never got full range of motion and the severe pain always came back.

So, I made the appointment with Irene.

In preparation for my appt, I looked over my MRI results and I was shocked to learn that I had calcium deposits and bursitis. If they knew that 4 years ago, WHY was I told that my MRI was “unremarkable.” WHY was I only given a cortisone shot?

I asked Irene these questions at my appointment.

She reiterated that my MRI was “unremarkable”. That although I had calcium deposits in my shoulder they weren’t “in a place that would cause my pain”.

Ummmm, what?

How the fuck does that make sense??

I was telling her and had been telling her for 4 years that I WAS, IN FACT, IN PAIN.

She again offered me a cortisone injection.

But, as with my other experiences, I wanted ANSWERS. I wanted to get to, and resolve, the cause of the issue.

Needless to say, I haven’t been back to see her.

(However, I did find an Orthopedic Doctor that specializes in regenerative medicine and alternative therapies and I had the calcium deposits removed last week.)

The moral of my stories, be your own advocate.

Your feelings are valid.

You know your body.

Trust your instincts and don’t settle for simply treating your symptoms.

Find a doctor that listens to you. That cares about the cause. And, that isn’t arrogant and/or dismissive.

Remember, you’re THEIR client. You’re “hiring” them.

I now only accept doctors that have humble confidence and sympathetic ear.