The Toughest Part of Being a Parent
The toughest part of being a parent is watching your kids struggle with something you used to struggle with, but have now overcome.
I wish me telling them that I used to be that way or that I used to think that way, and it made life really hard, was enough for them to change.
I was born a perfectionist. I am hard-wired to overthink things. I had really high, like freaking impossible, standards for myself.
I would get down about something and I would stay there waaaaaay too freaking long.
I would beat myself up for the smallest mistake, let alone a big one.
I was my own worst enemy.
It was beyond exhausting; it was downright unhealthy.
Sadly, I was this way through my first 2 years of Law School.
I was so terrified of failing (which for me was less than a B+ average) that I caused myself to become an insomniac and basically anorexic.
By the end of my First Year, I had lost over 20 lbs (I think I got down to like 110), I was pale as a ghost and my eyes were bulging out of my head. I was anxious and desperate for sleep.
After my last final, before going home, I went straight to the doctor. I very vividly remember the nurse coming out to the waiting room to get me and after taking one look at me asking me “OMG, are you okay?”. I simply shook my head “no” and began to cry.
My Second Year was slightly better, but not much.
Finally, by my Third Year (my final year), I had had enough. I was sick and tired of making myself sick and tired. My body could withstand no more and I didn’t want to be miserable any longer.
I allowed myself to relax and not take it all so seriously. I adopted a more “whatever will be, will be” attitude.
And, you know what?
I did just as well as I had the first 2 years. I graduated with honors and in the top 20% of my class.
So, all the stress, all the worrying, all the starving myself, all the sleepless nights, did nothing except make me very unhealthy and quite miserable.
Now, I’m watching my kids, esp my oldest, beat the crap out of themselves.
I’m worried what it’s going to take for them to snap out of it.
I’m worried they’ll be miserable.
I endured enough misery at my own hands for all of us.
I hate that I passed this self-destructive behavior down to them.
I wish I could get through to them. I wish I could make them see that it’s not that serious. That mistakes are part of the learning process and that it is, in fact, a lifelong process.
We’re never done learning. We’re never done growing. That’s what we came here to do.
That loving oneself through things and giving oneself grace will accomplish so much more and life will be more enjoyable too.
I’ve finally learned that it’s not being “right” or doing things “perfectly” that’s important, it’s the ability to:
Find joy in life;
To laugh at oneself;
To look at our mistakes objectively;
To learn from our experiences without beating ourselves up;
To love ourselves unconditionally; and
To have fun.
I wish I had a magic wand and I could make them see these things for themselves NOW.
But, I don’t and for whatever reasons, our souls chose each other to learn from and grow.
So, I will continue to do my best to share the lessons I’ve learned thus far and hope that they snap out of it far sooner than I did.
The saying “your only as happy as your most miserable child” rings quite true for me these days.
Here’s to planting seeds and fostering self-love, acceptance and grace.
xo Michelle
P.S. I’ve started offering Distance Reiki Sessions again. Reiki is amazing for stress, relaxation, physical pain and fostering your connection to Spirit (Source, God, whatever you call it).
If you’d like more information you can check it out here.